WORKING WITH WORDS

    Some reader questions floated across my desk last month, providing the fodder for this column. A major one concerned email etiquette.
Thank-you notes. Should you email your gratitude? Here’s my personal opinion—
    The person took the time to buy you a gift, so return the favor by writing a handwritten note, put it in an envelope, stick on a stamp, and mail it. This really isn’t so time-consuming. A packet of blank thank-you cards from the drug store or some nice note cards will do. Three or four lines referring to your delight with the gift and the giver are enough. And if you have children or grandchildren, please teach them to write thank-you notes as well.
    It is not uncommon these days for gifts to go unacknowledged. Better an email “Thanks!” than nothing, but if we’re too busy for gratitude, something is very wrong in our lives.
    Professional email. Professional mail should be written like a professional letter, at least on initial contact.
•    Use a meaningful subject line.
•    Put in your complete contact information.
•    Address the person as in a letter with “dear” and the appropriate title. If you establish a relationship with someone, for example, a customer service banker, you can loosen up. Follow their lead about whether to switch to first names—hopefully they will ask before using yours. 
•    Use appropriate paragraphs, punctuation, and complete spellings. Do not use ALL CAPS or fancy fonts and backgrounds.
•    Be concise and to the point.
•    Manners are making a comeback. No one is offended by “please” or “thank you.” Signing a professional email “Sincerely” is a sign of respect—and who doesn’t like to be treated respectfully?
Friends and family email. Clear subject lines help you organize your email no matter whom you write. If you change the subject, change the subject line. It’s also helpful to be clear what part of their email you are responding to, especially if you don’t include their email in your reply. A warning on this score though: when forwarding one friend’s email to another, scroll down and check to be sure it only includes what you want to share. I’ve heard of some unpleasant consequences resulting from forgetting to do this and that brings me to the next suggestion.
Don’t discuss emotionally charged matters in email. The urge to email a friend or relative about a hot topic often arises because we want to avoid confronting someone personally. The consequence, in my experience, is almost always a deepening of conflict and further misunderstanding. Don’t say something in an email that you would not say to the person’s face. Something about the way we write email allows it to carry emotion—perhaps the off-the-top-of-the-head writing and the speed with which we can hit SEND. Some alternatives are (1) Put on your adult shoes and meet with the person or call them. For really big deals, prepare yourself in advance. Plenty of books, articles, and counselors deal with positive ways to address conflict. (2) If email is the only communication mode, write it out in longhand first and put it away over night. Make changes and put it away again. Hopefully by the third day, you will have arrived at a version in which you can respond rather than react and state your truth clearly without attacking the other person.

Peggy Tabor Millin   Copyright 2008